Author Topic: Avast there. Again.  (Read 973 times)

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Offline Mart

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Avast there. Again.
« on: December 04, 2009, 08:13:14 PM »
Now I've found this. It made me laugh as well, a slightly bitter, perhaps even sardonic, laugh.

I've always wanted to master the sardonic laugh.

Anyway, here tis.

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye Sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry Sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, Sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry Sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knots speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, Sir.

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, Sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c'sle Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by
playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, Sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, Sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, Sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, Sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil...."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that Sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, Sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, Sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment..."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, Sir."

Nelson: "In that case................................ kiss me, Hardy''


Missed out risk assessments, but apart from that it covers most things. There could be some money in rewriting old classics in a modern PC, low risk, inclusive and diverse kind of way.

Probably get taken seriously in some boroughs as well.

The landowner of the hill on which Jack and Jill had their accident could be prosecuted for poor signage, no safe system of work, no risk assessment and any number of other things. Their landlord could also be prosecuted for failure to supply running water, you could probably get the water company done as well.

Dear God, they write themselves don't they?



Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.

Offline Geoff Reid

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Re: Avast there. Again.
« Reply #1 on: December 08, 2009, 07:04:10 PM »

Quietly weeping bitter tears into a mug of PG.  It may even be fair-trade tea, I try not to look tbh.

Offline daproofreader

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Re: Avast there. Again.
« Reply #2 on: March 27, 2010, 05:59:23 PM »
As this particular topic seems to be centred around matters nautical....something tells me that the designer of this ship didn't have more than a very basic grasp of the English sense of humour !   oo er